Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
