I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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