You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
