see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
