I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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