jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
