Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He better not be in your backpack
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
