Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
