i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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