her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize