hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm at about main and main street
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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