I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
this is an emotional support booty call
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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