Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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