That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
