At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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