guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
