I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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