I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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