If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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