I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize