So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You need Xanax blowdarts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
