I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
be right there i have to get my cape
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
