I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
