Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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