I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
