The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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