The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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