Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
