Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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