Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
