so that wasnt chicken after all
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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