Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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