If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
