I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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