My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
