Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
