That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
