We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
