Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
