cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
