I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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