Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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