i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize