I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
