awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
