My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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