Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
