I have demons in me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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