I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
