I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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