She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
