I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
