Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
