Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
