is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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