I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize