You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
