My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
