I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
