Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Pants are for mortals
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
