She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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