Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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