i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
