So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
