i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
