lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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