Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
