I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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