is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize