fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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