Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
